Together with Freddy I listened to the 3rd Gnostic teaching. A insect buzzers through the room. It lands on my bed and I hear the silence again. I feel my feet and go slowly up towards my head. Merope.. A place where I discover that I have to heal. Heal from being on the move for too long this months and learning how I can use my strong energy in a better way. I saw so much of the world – heard a incredible amount of stories and met the craziest people. After working in the most abandoned places, being very alone and being with many people, it is time to rest. I don’t have to move. I can be. Here, in Meropi – away from civilization in the north-west of Bulgaria. Freddy invited me. I wake up, meditate and have breakfast with my Merope-family. Then we work. There is always work. I started the stove today and baked sourdough bread and jam from the sour pears that Freddy found in the forest. The seven dogs played around my stove. One is special. Mera. He doesn’t trust me yet and keeps his distance. Everyday he comes a bit closer. I long for the moment that I can tell him that it is all-right, that I will not hurt him and he allows me to stroke his neck. He’s a black grey dog with light brown, close to orange eyes. The dogs are part of the family. They protect and they reflect my current state of being. As long as I don’t feel ok with the moment, Mira will not feel like getting closer. In being here for five days I am able to feel a feeling that I didn’t feel for long time in my travel. I can tell you, it is a holy place. Forest all around, the leaves are coming down but still in this autumn we have sun every day so the solar panels charge and we even have light in the evening.
It is warm in the room because of the fire in the stove. Freddy and Damian are talking. We did a lot of work today. Isolation, building on a rocket stove, and breaking down walls for the preparation of the banya. I got rid of some stone trash, putting it in holes in the road while letting the dogs out. My sister calls back now. She tells about her wedding next year, when they get the key of the house, that they’ve bought a new sofa. I say something like ‘new’? , and tell her that I didn’t meet people in the last months that bought new sofa’s. I have the feeling that she somehow feels judged by me when she says: ‘not everyone is like you Rein’. I don’t want to hurt her or judge her. I want to let her know that I love her, that I miss her. And that I have respect for the life that she lives although it is such a different life than mine. I tell her that we live here without electricity except for the solar – that
we cook on fire – that we have to do everything by the daylight because in the dark we are consuming our resources. She sounds surprised: ‘Mam, Rein lives in a sort of community like this people in this fire tower’. and she starts talking about an old couple in the Netherlands that live self-sustainable. The phone is been handed over to my mom. They want to tell me about the couple. Something in me tells: But I want to know how you are, not about the fire tower. But maybe I should have accepted it. Because it’s their way to connect and actually a quite good way to share.. Then, my mom connects the topic with her wish to see me back in the Netherlands. She even suggests me to find me a job, a small house.. I tell her that I find it so sweet that she tries to find this for me and try to explain her that this is my life. I want to live like this. I feel emotional when I think about how many times I tried to explain this. And I feel emotional when I feel her pain. Two and a half year ago her sun decided to live a life, far from home. She had to let him go and only managed partly to let him
go. I feel it. And when I am writing this down, a tear falls down on my sleeping bag. It is not because you all are not good enough sweet family. I don’t blame you. There was a time that I was blaming you mom and dad, but I don’t do that anymore. I took responsibility for my own life since this is the only way to grow. four sisters I left behind in the Netherlands. The little one, my little one – is 14. I hope she ever understands why I left her, alone.. I hope she is able to be angry at me to afterwards forgive me. Then the 21 year old one. One and a half year ago she flew all the way to Georgia and for the first time in her life, hitchhiked all the way back with me trough turkey and the Balkans. And now it feels like the connections are fading away – the more time strikes by. She is not able to talk on the phone, which I understand so well. Theoretically I know this is no ones fault. People choose their lifes. And I am embracing such a incredible amount of freedom in space, people, mind and body but the attachments stay. I will always love them, no matter what they do or what they are. They will always be welcome and I hope that I always stay welcome at their place because there will be a time that I’d be back – pretty soon, for the wedding of my second sister. I hope that we can embrace each other and can go from accepting each others lifestyle to a better and deeper understanding which will improve the connection between us. But that’s my hope. Maybe it won’t. Maybe
we will grow out of each others life slowly. But I hope they know that I think about them every day when I look at the stars and know that they are and will be alright. Because they’re strong. With or without me. I am happy that I am in a place where I can rethink and re-feel those matters. Time to reflect, time to feel – time to work. Ora et Labora, pray and work.